Dr. C's Tips: 6 Tips to prevent tantrums + how to de-escalate
Hi all,
Excited to bring you a brand new Dr. C post, and today we’re talking about Tantrums. Before we jump into that, some quick background: starting in in December 2020, we’ve been tackling and discussing a topic that relates to pediatric psychology on my Instagram via way of Stories. Normally a post, like this one on Elf on the Shelf, for example, will go live and we’ll have accompanying Stories every Tuesday (trying to make it every Tuesday, but this may change slightly), in which we discuss the topic at length and open the channel for Q&A. For now, this is done via Stories, so I have time to answer the questions properly, but we might in the future also do a Live Session. For any past edition you might have missed, be sure to check Dr. C’s section on the site, or IG Highlights on my Instagram channel - look for Dr. C’s Tips.
With that said, let’s talk Tantrums!
What are Tantrums and why do they happen?
Temper tantrums usually happen between ages 1 and 3 and are equally common in boys and girls.
They happen because toddlers are wanting more control and independence and they don’t have the language to express their frustration or anger. They can also happen to help them gain access to something pleasant (they learned when they tantrum they get what they want - spoke about this last week on stories) or to escape a demand (when I tantrum I get out of doing something I didn’t want to do). Tantrums do tend to decrease when language skills are more developed.
6 Tips to Avoid or De-Escalate Tantrums
Prevention is key. Know their triggers. Do they tend to happen when they’re tired? Or how about when they don’t get their way? Or is it related to sibling jealousy? Once you know why it’s happening than you can target the behavior. So make sure to journal the behavior so you can identify a pattern.
Catch your child being good and praise. Children that only get attention (or more attention) when they misbehave learn that misbehaving gets them mom and dad so they’ll continue to do so. Why? Because any attention is better than none. So make sure to give labeled praise when they’re good! For ex: “I like how you’re putting away your toys,” or “I like how you’re coloring quietly.”
Help the little one have control in their life. This can be done in how you ask questions. Give them two choices instead of the opportunity to say no. So ask, “would you like to wear this outfit or this one?,” instead of “do you want to get dressed now?”
Redirect. Toddlers have a short attention span. So capitalize on this and change it up so they forget about what it was they wanted. For instance, you’re at a store and they want a candy. Change it up by saying “oh wow, look at that puppy.” Likewise, it’s best to avoid things you know they can’t have access to.
Avoid doing certain things when they’re too tired, or will soon be. Try to not make the little one do anything too challenging when they’re tired or close to being tired. For example, don’t take them out to the store when it’s almost nap time.
Choose your battles. If it’s not that big of a deal to let them have what they want, then why make it a big deal? It’s okay to spoil them every now and then!
To descale a tantrum:
I know it’s frustrating but we need to remain calm so our child can learn how to calm down. Getting upset and showing that behavior will only help them remain the same way.
Next we need to see why the tantrum is happening. What happens before, during, and after a tantrum. Were they tired, did they get attention, did they get out of doing something they didn’t want to do? Knowing this will help you with what to do next.
If it’s because:
They want attention, then ignoring is the solution (as long as it’s not a dangerous or unsafe behavior). This looks like turning around and not giving any attention. Once behavior has gotten better, immediately give positive attention. “I like how you calmed down.”
They want something they can’t have. Say, “we can’t do that right now and redirect the conversation.” Avoid talking about it too much because they’re incapable of reasoning at this young age and it’ll only frustrate you both even more.
Fewer tantrums now mean fewer tantrums later.
I’m sharing a book below for purchase that I used to always recommend to the parents I was helping out, so wanted to share it with you here!
