How to handle a friend that complains about everything.
-You tell the story like you don’t get to change it.
-Is there something bigger going on?
-I totally get why that’s frustrating. Let’s not let it take over - what’s something that made you laugh recently?
-What’s in your control right now & what can you change?
Explanations below:
The goal here is to redirect negativity without dismissing their feelings or making them defensive. You’ll want to validate them while also introducing a shift in perspective or gently setting a boundary when needed. Some ways you can do this include:
-You tell the story like you don’t get to change it.
This response highlights a pattern, which is important for chronic complainers who often get stuck in a negativity loop, without seeking solutions. It also suggests they are a narrator of their problems, rather than an active participant in solving them. While it has a slight edge to it, It's a gentle challenge, prompting the person to consider whether they are truly powerless to change their situation. This response is also less likely to trigger defensiveness because it's addressing the action, not the person's character.
Best for: chronic complainers, victims of their own narrative, people who always feel powerless. Like a friend who always complains but never takes action. A coworker who constantly vents but refuses to problem-solve, or a sibling or relative who blames everything on external factors.
-Is there something bigger going on?
This response invites them to reflect rather than accuse of them being negative. It also opens the door for them to recognize a deeper issue they might not have realized. It shows concern rather than judgment, it allows them to self-assess without feeling called out, and subtly suggests that their complaining may be something bigger. Once they reply with what do you mean, you can add: "I’ve noticed our conversations focusing a lot on what’s been going wrong.”
Best for: People who seem stuck in surface level complaining but might have deeper emotional distress such as a parent who keeps nagging about little things but might be stressed about aging or control. A friend who keeps complaining about work but might actually be burned out or unhappy. A partner who keeps nitpicking but might be overwhelmed by something unrelated.
-I totally get why that’s frustrating. Let’s not let it take over - what’s something that made you laugh recently?
This response balances empathy with a gentle push towards a more positive mindset. It's a way to acknowledge your friend's feelings without getting drawn into their negativity, and it offers a more subtle but effective way to shift the focus of the conversation. It's also a good example of how to be assertive without being confrontational.
Best for: People who need validation but also redirection such as a friend who vents but doesn’t always mean to be negative, a sibling who fixates on small frustrations, or a pattern who’s stuck in a bad mood but needs a nudge out.
-What’s in your control right now & what can you change?
This response encourage problem-solving and shifts from complaining to action. It gives them a sense of control, and stops the negativity loop.
Best for: People who feel stuck, powerless, or overwhelmed such as a friend who keeps venting about their job but doesn’t make a move to change it. A coworker who spirals into stress without focusing on solutions. A sibling or parent who ruminates over things they can’t control.
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Xo,
Dr. C