How to handle a friend that only calls when they need something

-I appreciate helping but I’d love if we checked in on each other more regularly. 

-I miss catching up just for fun - let’s have more conversations like that. 

-It means a lot to be someone you can rely on. I’d value it even more if we had moments where we had mutual check in’s.

Explanation below. 

1. I appreciate helping but I’d love if we checked in on each other more regularly. 
This response is warm and non-threatening, making it ideal for someone who may not realize they’ve created an imbalance. By emphasizing the appreciation first, it reduces the likelihood of defensiveness and sets a clear request for mutual engagement. Use this line when you want to maintain the relationship but want to shift the dynamic gradually. 

Works best for: Friends who don’t realize they’re only reaching out when they need something. Think a casual friend who takes your support for granted but isn’t intentionally using you. A busy friend who only reaches out when they need a favor but does care about the friendship. 

2. I miss catching up just for fun - let’s have more conversations like that. 
This response balances empathy with a clear statement of need. By starting with validation & then transition to your preference, it communicates your need for balance while showing you understand their reliance on you. Use this when you’ve helped someone multiple times and feel under appreciated but don’t want to sound frustrated or accusatory but want to give a friend a nudge. 

Works best for: A friend who over-relies on you but is still someone you care about. Think a friend who frequently needs advice but isn’t making space for fun, mutual connection. Someone who texts only when they need emotional or logistical support. A friend who might not realize how much they’re draining the relationship. 

3. It means a lot to be someone you can rely on. I’d value it even more if we had moments where we had mutual check in’s.
This introduces a mild boundary by pointing out the effect of favor-focused interactions and invites the friend to see how the relationship can change and how genuine connection is missed. Use this when you’re starting to feel disconnected from a friend and want to steer the relationship back. 

Works best for: A friend who consistently uses you as a support system but doesn’t reciprocate. Think a friend who is emotionally dependent on you but doesn’t check in on you. A person who may care but is caught up in their own needs and doesn’t notice the imbalance. A friend who values your support but takes it as a given rather a two-way street. 

Need more help navigating friendships or being more assertive in your day to day? Book a 1:1 with me or chime in the community forum where you can ask for and give advice anonymously. 

Xo,
Dr. C