Assertive responses for subtle digs

-Was that meant to be helpful?

-How would you like me to respond to that?

-I don’t think that came out the way you intended that to - want to rephrase that?

For a more in depth explanation, read below:

When someone makes subtle digs - whether they’re disguised as jokes, backhanded compliments, or passive-aggressive remarks - it’s important to approach the situation strategically rather than reactively. Here’s the best course of action before responding:

Assess the intent and plan. 
Ask yourself:

-Is it a one-time comment or a repeated behavior? 

If it’s a pattern, it signals an underlying dynamic - whether it’s competitive, insecurity, or manipulation. 

-Is this person trying to be hurtful, or are they socially unaware? 

Some people lack self-awareness and may not realize how their words come across. Other’s, however, intentionally use subtle digs as a way to exert power, create doubt, or subtly put you down. 

If the person is unaware - use reflective responses to get them to rethink their voice. 

If the person is manipulative - use boundary-setting responses that don’t give them room to gaslight you. 

If the behavior is a repeated issue in a close relationship: Bright it up in private, not in the moment when tensions might be hight and you can try something like: 

“I’ve noticed you make a lot of comments about (X). I don’t know if that’s intentional, but I appreciate if we avoided that topic.” 

Here are 3 examples on ways to address subtle digs: 

-Was that meant to be helpful?

This response prompts the other person to consider the intent behind their subtle dig. This forces them to reflect on whether their comment was genuinely constructive or unnecessarily critical? It deflects negativity and avoids defensiveness - subtly highlighting that the comment may not have been helpful or appropriate. And that you don’t accept passive-aggressive remarks without calling them out and shifting the focus back onto the other person’s behavior - so that they explain themselves. 

Works best for: People who make backhanded comments but pretend to be “helpful” (e.g., coworkers, family members, acquaintances). 

-How would you like me to respond to that?

This response is disarming and reflective. It invites them to evaluate why they made the comment and whether it aligns with their intended outcome. It gently challenges them to explain their motive or goal and puts the onus back on them to justify their remark. This response shows that you’re willing to engage in conversation but only if it’s constructive. 

Works best for: Someone who frequently makes sarcastic, critical, or undermining remarks and expects you to just take it. 

-I don’t think that came out the way you intended- want to rephrase?

This response gives them a graceful exit while making it clear you noticed the dig. It allows them to correct themselves instead of doubling down while setting a boundary without making it confrontational. 

Works best for: Friends, coworkers, or family who might be testing your boundaries but aren’t outright malicious. This is a great option to use when you want to maintain the relationship. 

Need more help being the Assertive You, book a 1:1 with me by heading to the book a session tab above or head to the community forum and ask for advice.