Phrases to shut down escalating conflict
-I’m open to discussing this, but I need us to keep it respectful.
-I hear that this is really important to you. What would feel fair for both of us?
-We’re on the same team - let’s focus on finding a solution together.
-I want to hear your perspective, not turn this into a fight.
-Let’s take a moment before we continue this conversation.
For a more in depth explanation on each, read below:
De-escalating conflict isn’t about “winning” or shutting the other person down - it’s about reducing tension, maintaining control, and guiding the conversation toward a more productive space. Whether dealing with a heated argument, passive-aggressive remarks, or emotional outbursts, the following steps help prevent escalation and shift the interaction toward resolution.
Effective de-escalation involves these 4 things:
-Remaining calm. Conflict escalates when both parties become reactive. If the other person is raising their voice, interrupting, or being aggressive, matching their tone will only add fuel to the fire.
-Active listening: It shows you understand their perspective and that you’re hearing them - even if you don’t agree with them.
-Setting boundaries: Clearly stating what’s acceptable.
-Focusing on solutions: Shifting the conversation towards resolution.
Here are 3 responses to use and when to use them to de-escalate high conflict.
-I’m open to discussing this, but I need us to keep it respectful.
If you need firmer language you can try:
"I’m happy to talk, but not if I’m being insulted.”
Best used for: Someone that is raining their voice, being aggressive, or using dismissive language. Use at work, in relationships, or with family when you need to set a boundary on how you’ll engage. When the other person isn’t fully out of control but is getting too heated.
-I hear that this is really important to you. What would feel fair for both of us?
Best used for: When negotiating with a partner, coworker, or friend to avoid a power struggle. When someone is emotionally invested and you want to acknowledge their feeling but move toward a solution. When the argument isn’t about right or wrong but finding a middle ground.,
-We’re on the same team - let’s focus on finding a solution together.
Best used for: When someone is making the issue about “winning” rather than resolving. At work or in partnerships where collaboration is key. With family or friends when a discussion is turning into a power struggle.
-I want to hear your perspective, not turn this into a fight.
Best used for: When someone is emotionally charged and you want to lower their defensiveness. In personal relationships when a disagreement is becoming too emotional. When you want to redirect the conversation from conflict to communication.
-Let’s take a moment before we continue this conversation.
Best used for: When a pause is necessary because the conversation has become too heated to continue.
Need more help being the Assertive You, book a 1:1 with me by heading to the book a session tab above or head to the community forum and ask for advice.