How to respond to passive aggressive & undermining comments at work without losing your cool
-What were you hoping I’d take from that.
-What do you mean by that?
-Did you think that would make me feel good?
-Would you want someone saying that to you?
For a more in depth explanation and how to handle, read below:
You’re in a meeting, presenting an idea you’ve worked on, when a colleague smirks and says, “wow, you actually did a great job on this!” or a peer says, “I mean, if that’s how you want to do it.” Or you pass a colleague in the hallway and they say: “Oh, I didn’t realize you were invited to the meeting” or “must be nice to take a lunch break, I’m just swamped.”
These kinds of passive-aggressive and undermining comments are frustrating because they’re not outright insults, but they still sting. They’re designed to chip away at your confidence, dismiss your contributions, or subtly challenge your authority - without giving you anything direct enough to call out.
The problem is that most people freeze in the moment, unsure whether to let it slide or push back. Respond too aggressively, and you risk looking unprofessionally. Stay silent, and the behavior continues.
The solution? Using the right assertive responses that put the responsibility back on the other person - without making you seem defensive or combative.
Here are a few:
-What were you hoping I’d take from that?
This response immediately forces the speaker to acknowledge their intent. If they were being passive-aggressive, they now have to own it or backtrack while putting the discomfort back on them.
This works best for: A colleague who consistently makes passive-aggressive comments but hides behind plausible deniability. Someone who makes subtle digs and backhanded remarks while acting like they didn’t mean anything by it. A peer or team member who undermines you in meetings without being openly confrontational. Someone who says things that could be taken as rude but always plays innocent.
-What do you mean by that?
This response puts the responsibility back on them to explain, often leading to awkwardness or backpedaling, rather than making you react emotionally. Many passive-aggressive people rely on ambiguity - this removes it.
This works best for: Someone who makes vague, undermining comments and hides behind ambiguity. A manager or senior colleague who subtly diminishes your contributions. A coworker who implies negativity but never fully says it outright. A competitor in the office who wants to downplay your work without direct confrontation.
-Did you think that would make me feel good?
This response is a direct accountability statement that subtly calls out their lack of social awareness or professionalism.
This works best for: A colleague who pretends their comment was ‘just a joke’ or says hurtful things under the guise of honesty. Someone who uses sarcasm or backhanded compliments and expects you to just accept it. A workplace frenemy who pretends to be helpful but makes undermining remarks. A co-worker who says things like “I’m just being honest” or “don’t take it personally.”
-Would you want someone saying that to you?
This response is a perspective-shifting question that highlights their behavior as inappropriate. It forces them to see themselves in your position, making them rethink their actions.
This works best for: Someone who lacks self-awareness and doesn’t realize their comment was rude or inappropriate. A manager or colleague who gives unconstructive, critical feedback but frames it as helpful. Someone who makes comments about your personal life, appearance, or work ethic that cross a line. A person who isn’t necessarily mean-spirited but needs to be made aware of how their words come across.
Need more help navigating office dynamics? Book a 1:1 with me by clicking the ‘book a session’ tab above or by heading to the community forum where you can ask a question anonymously!
Xo,
Dr. C