Bad Friend, Toxic Friend, or Mean Girl? Here’s How To Tell & What To Say.
Not all friendship pain is found. Sometimes, it’s a slow fade. The support shrinks. The comments sting. And your gut whispers, “Something’s changed.” But is it just a bad friend? A toxic friend? Or has it quietly turned into something more harmful like relational aggression? Let’s break it down what each looks like and exactly how to handle it with compassion and clarity.
The Bad Friend:
They cancel often or don’t show up for you.
They only reach out when they need something.
They make everything about them but not out of malice.
There’s distance, but it’s more emotional immaturity than manipulation.
What’s Happening: This is usually a case of emotional immaturity or misaligned priorities not intentional harm.
What to say to them?
-I appreciate helping but I’d love if we checked in on each other more regularly.
-I know things come up but this has happened a few times now (when they cancel last minute). Can we be upfront next time so I’m not left hanging?
-I noticed I’ve been a bit quiet…ask me something.
-I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected, has anything felt off for you too?
When to walk way:
If they consistently disregard your feelings or you leave every interaction feeling drained, it’s okay to give less energy to the connection even if there’s no dramatic ending.
The Toxic Friend
You feel anxious or small around them.
They guilt trip you or twist your emotions.
Your boundaries are ignored or dismissed.
They use their pain as a pass for bad behavior.
What’s Happening: Toxic friends often struggle with unmet emotional needs or poor self-regulation but that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for fixing it.
What to say:
-I know you’d want the best for me, this is what I need to do.
-I hear and understand you, I have to still say no.
-I’m allowed to feel what I feel, even if we disagree.
-I’m noticing the conversation keeps circling back to my reaction instead of what happened.
When to walk away:
When guilt becomes the glue holding the friendship together, it’s no longer healthy. You don’t need to stay in a relationship that drains you just because of history.
The Mean Girl (Relational Aggression)
Passive-aggressive digs disguised as concern
Talking about you, never to you.
Withholding support when you succeed.
Subtle exclusion, then public performance of connection.
You feel punished for growing.
What’s Happening: This isn’t just a bad vibe it’s strategic social. Undermining. Mean girl behavior is often fueled by covert competition, jealousy, and a scarcity mindset. She doesn’t confront you, you’re left to feel paranoid while she gathers social support.
What to say:
-I deserve to feel safe in this conversation too.
-I prefer direct communication. Let’s address this openly.
-I’ve noticed distance since I’ve stepped into new things. I’m hoping it’s not something I’ve done, but I wanted to check in.
-I’ve been trying to figure something out, it feels like we’re good when we’re around (X group/it’s just us) but it’s different when (it’s just us/ we're around others). I’m not sure if it’s just me, but I wanted to check in.
-I was hoping you’d be a little more supportive, Is something going on?
When to walk away:
When your wins start costing you her support. When silence feels like a tactic. When her version of friendship only exists when you’re playing small.
Final Takeaway: Not every friendship ends with a dramatic betrayal. Sometimes it ends with a quiet realization: I can grow and you don’t want to come with me. You’re not too sensitive, you’re self-aware. And that awareness is your power.
Need more tailored help navigating mean girl dynamics, head to the community forum and leave a question & I’ll get back to you or schedule a 1:1 session by heading to the book a session tab above.
Xo,
Dr. C