3 ways to know if she’s a mean girl or you’re just acquaintances.

As a psychologist, I’ve seen this play out in friendship groups, mom circles, and even in families.  But let’s start with the truth: You’re not meant to be close with everyone and that’s okay. But you can be excluded in ways that feel subtle, confusing, and painful and still question whether it’s all in your head.

If they do any of these 3 things they’re a mean girl, not just an acquaintance. 

1. Their Warmth Feels Performative, Not Personal

Ask yourself: Do they act differently when other people are around? 

You’ll notice: They'll tag you in public social media posts, drop emojis in the group chat, and smile big at public events but they never text you directly or invite you into smaller moments. In private? They’re disinterested, flat, or even cold. They don’t initiate, respond dryly, or ignore you altogether. And the opposite can be true too: they might be kind and chatty one-on-one, but around certain people, suddenly act like they don’t know you. That’s a signal, you’re not really part of the group in their eyes. 

Say this if you want to test the dynamic: 

Try a low-pressure invite: “Hey, I loved chatting back there. I’d love to hang out one-on-one sometime, are you around this or next week?” 

Their response and more importantly, their follow though, will tell you everything you need to know. 

If you’ve known them for a longer period of time and want to bring it up (do so in private, in-person, or over the phone but not via text) try saying: “Hey, can I check in with you about something? I’ve noticed that when it’s just us, we talk a lot and it feels so easy. When we’re around other people, I feel like we don’t. Is everything okay?” 

2. They mention plans you weren’t part of, like if they're reminding you, you weren’t included. 

Ask yourself: Do they intentionally make sure you notice the exclusion? 

You’ll notice: They'll talk about the girls dinner, the other group text, the coffee after drop-off, without you, in front of you. You’re not just excluded; you’re meant to feel excluded. Acquaintances don’t interact much with you. Mean girls want to engage with you just enough to make the exclusion visible. In this scenario, you’ll want to hold your ground without chasing inclusion or playing along, here are two options to help you handle this and protect your self-respect: 

If you want to call it out softly:

Say: “Sounds like that was fun. I didn’t realize there was a plan!” said in a genuine (non-sarcastic tone). Then watch their reaction. People who mean well will clarify. People who don’t will get evasive or reluctant to share much more. 

Why? It makes the dynamic visible without confrontation and forces them to respond while placing the discomfort back on them, instead of on you. 

Your second option is to disengage, say something like:

“I’ll let you all catch up, bye.” 

Why? You’re able to remove yourself from a space that’s being used to make you feel small or question your place in the group and you’re not giving them the reaction they were hoping for. 

3. You’re in a Cycle of Inclusion and Discomfort

Ask yourself: Is the pattern consistent and emotionally confusing?

The pattern isn’t random. It’s repetitive and predictable. 

An acquaintance doesn’t invite you somewhere because you’re not close. There’s no pattern, there’s only distance. Acquaintances draw a soft circle. You’re not in, and that’s okay. There’s distance and it’s clear. 

A mean girl will consistently invite you to public, visible events (class events, holidays, birthdays) but never for private or smaller plans. This gives the illusion of inclusion while keeping you at arm’s length. Mean girls draw a dotted line. You’re in, then out, then in, then out and this cycle is repetitive and predictable. They keep you close enough to keep you guessing, there’s emotional discomfort and confusion. They leave you out just enough to keep you uncomfortable, but not enough to be called out. If you leave interactions second guessing yourself regularly, it’s not distance, it’s manipulation. Whereas, acquaintances just aren’t thinking about you much. 

How to ground yourself when this happens, tell yourself something like:

“This isn’t about me doing something wrong. It’s about them keeping control by keeping me unsure.”

I always like to give everyone the benefit of a doubt because they can lack total awareness. If you wanted to confront them about this, this is one way of how would you do it that’s more psychologically effective. It lets them feel seen without feeling attacked or getting defensive. If they were to feel attacked they would deny everything, turn it back on you, or call you the problem. The key here is to use a subtle, observational approach with calm clarity and not emotion. I would advise doing this 1:1, in private, or over the phone and not via text or around other people. 

Try saying: “Hey, can I check in with you about something? Sometimes I feel like it’s so easy to talk to you and that it’s so fun when we all hang out. Other times, I feel like we’re not close at all and there’s distance. I can’t quite tell where we stand, are we close or not really? 

This works because it’s non-blaming and you’re not accusing, just observing. You’re placing the confusion on the inconsistency, not them. And it gives them a moment to either self-correct or expose the truth. If they deny but don’t adjust their behavior, you have your answer and you didn’t create drama. 

If you need more personalized or tailored help navigating mean girls, book a 1:1 with me by clicking on the “book  a session” tab above or heading to the private, community forum for support and general recommendations.

Xo,

Dr. C