Before You Call Her a Mean Girl, Ask Yourself These 4 Questions First
We’ve all had that moment, where you walk away from a conversation, a group chat, or an event and think, “Was that a passive-aggressive comment?” or “Did she really mean to leave me out?” But before you jump to conclusions, take a breath.
I’ve seen how friendship wounds, old patterns, and miscommunication can make things feel more personal than they are. The goal isn’t to excuse toxic behavior but to make sure you’re not carrying hurt that isn’t actually happening right now.
These 4 questions can help you reflect clearly before labeling someone a “mean girl.” Because sometimes it is her energy and sometimes it’s a dynamic you can help shift.
1. Do you feel this way around everyone or just around her?
If you’ve had a pattern of feeling left out, misunderstood, or socially anxious across multiple groups, it might be something deeper at play. This doesn’t mean your experience isn’t valid, it means your nervous system and thought patterns may be on high alert based on past experiences. People-pleasing, past friendship trauma, social anxiety, neurodivergence, and even early attachment wounds can heighten your sensitivity to social cues like exclusion, disconnection, or rejection, even if they aren’t actually happening in the moment.
This is your sign to explore your patterns, not your worth, and this isn’t about blaming yourself. When you recognize your internal patterns, you gain choice over how to respond rather than react.
Self-Check:
Do you often think, “They don’t like me,” or “I’m always left out”?
What’s the evidence for that thought? Is there another way to interpret it?
Do you tend to pull away or quiet when you feel uncertain in a group?
Have you avoided certain people or events out of fear you won’t be included?
What kind of friend do you want to be, even if you feel left out?
Are you acting in line with your values or avoiding discomfort?
Are you reacting to this person or does she remind you of someone from your past?
On a scale from 1-10, how ready are you to respond differently in friendships?
What would moving one step forward look like for you this week?
Here are some journal prompts you can try:
What roles have you taken on in past friendships (i.e., fixer, outsider, peacekeeper)?
When have you felt excluded and what did that mean for you?
What would it look like to show up from a place of courage, not protection?
2. Could I have unknowingly done something to her?
This one stings a little but hear me out this is one of the most powerful questions you can ask.
Sometimes we cancel plans last minute, go quiet during a tough time, or even make a throwaway comment that unintentionally lands as hurtful. And just because you didn’t mean to cause harm doesn't mean it wasn’t felt. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human, and someone that just might have missed a cue. Owning your part doesn’t guarantee reconnection but it does give you clarity and integrity.
Self-Check:
Did I ghost or pull away during a tough time in her life?
Was I emotionally unavailable, distracted, or self-absorbed during a conversation that mattered to her?
Could something I said (even jokingly) have landed differently than I intended?
If you value honesty, compassion, or repair, what small action would align with that now, even if it’s uncomfortable?
Owning your role creates space for authentic connection, even if the relationship doesn’t continue. Repair isn’t about guilt, it’s about growth.
3. Have you told her how you feel or just hoped she’d notice?
So many women wait for someone to just know they’re feeling hurt or left out. But subtle behaviors are easy to misread or miss entirely.
If you haven’t communicated how you feel, there’s a good chance she’s unaware that you’re feeling slighted, dismissed, or excluded. And when we don’t speak up, pain has nowhere to go, so it quietly grows into resentment or overthinking. You end up replaying the situation on loop, wondering if you did something wrong or if she’s just being cold.
Self-check:
Have you given her a chance to clarify or explain?
Have you expected her to read between the lines or just “know”?
Are you withholding how you feel in hopes it will protect you but it’s actually creating more distance?
Assertiveness doesn’t mean confrontation. It’s communicating your experience in a way that aligns with your values and protects your peace.
If you value honesty or closeness, what would it look like to speak up, even if it’s awkward? You don’t need to demand an apology to create closure. But you do deserve clarity.
4. Have you unintentionally been distant or reserved?
Sometimes, what feels like exclusion is actually a reflection of how we’re showing up. If you’re guarded, quiet, or slow to engage, she may have interpreted that as disinterest or coldness, especially in group settings where people often mirror the energy they receive.
This doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong, it just means that self-protection can sometimes send mixed signals.
Self-check:
Have you stayed on the sidelines, even thought you like being around her?
Could your self-protective habits (like being quiet quiet or holding back) be coming as aloof or dismissive?
You don’t have to change your personality but noticing how you’re showing up gives you more choice. And when you’re intentional with your energy, you shift the dynamic without even saying a word.
Your Takeway:
Sometimes it is mean girl behavior. And you’ll know because the pattern is consistent, intentional, and hurtful. But sometimes, it’s not about her. It’s about an old pattern that needs healing. If you want to go deeper into these dynamics and get exact scripts for how to handle exclusion, mixed signals, and passive-aggressive behavior, head to the download checklists section and download my new mini-book, Your Step by Step Guide to Handle Grown Mean Girls, it’s free for you. And if you have any questions afterwards, head to the private forum and ask away or book a 1:1 with me for more tailored coaching.
Xo,
Dr. C