What to say when someone flakes on you & when to call it quits
-I know things come up but this has happened a few times now. Can we be upfront next time so I’m not left hanging?
-Would it help if we only made last-minute plans when you know for sure you’re free?
-I totally get that plans change but I need to know in advance so I don’t plan my day around something that won’t happen.
-Our plans tend to fall through a lot - reach out next time you know you’re free.
For a more in-depth explanation, continue reading:
Few things are more frustrating than clearing time for plans that don’t happen.
Why it happens:
It often stems from deeper psychological reasons rather than just a lack of respect. Here are a few common reasons why someone might cancel on you last minute.
-Some people might genuinely struggle with managing their schedule and say “yes” to too many things, only to realize later they’re stretched too thin.
-They may feel overwhelmed about socializing, especially in larger groups or unfamiliar settings, and cancel as a way to ease their own discomfort.
-Instead of saying no upfront, they agree to plans out of obligation and then back out later when the pressure builds.
-If someone consistently cancels on you for “better” plans, it could signal that they don’t value the friendship as much as you do.
-Life stressors, mental exhaustion, or personal struggles may cause them to withdraw, even if they originally wanted to attend.
If someone consistently cancels on you last minute, it’s important to set boundaries and reset expectations.
Instead of getting stuck in frustration, use these assertive but effective tips & scripts to address the issue without sounding defensive or passive-aggressive.
-Shift the conversation from frustration to problem-solving - helping both of you agree on a solution that works moving forward.
What to say:
"Would it help if we only made last-minute plans when you know for sure you’re free?”
This works because it helps prevent repeat cancellations while giving them an opportunity to more realistic about their availability.
-People will continue behaviors if there’s no consequence. If a friend repeatedly flakes and you still keep making plans, you’re unintentionally reinforcing their behavior. By addressing it directly, you reset expectations.
What to say:
"I know things come up but this has happened a few times now. Can we be upfront next time so I’m not left hanging?”
Or
"I totally get that plans change but I need to know in advance so I don’t plan my day around something that won’t happen.”
These work because it holds them accountable without being harsh, while making it clear that your time matters.
If someone constantly cancels, you don’t need to keep putting in effort. By stepping back, you see if they actually value the friendship enough to initiate.
What to say:
"Our plans tend to fall through a lot - reach out next time you know you’re free.”
This shifts responsibility to them - if they care, they’ll make an effort. If they don’t, you wont’ be left waiting.
The Takeaway:
If someone values your time, they’ll show it.
If they don’t, you don’t have to keep making the effort
Being assertive isn’t about forcing plans - it’s about respecting your own time.
If you’re unsure when to call it quits with this friend these are some signs it’s time to stop prioritizing them:
-They never initiate plans or reschedule.
-Excuses feel insincere.
-They flake repeatedly & you feel like you’re chasing them.
A relationship is a two-way street and they should be reciprocal. If it feels like an obligation - it’s time to find friendships that make you feel valued. If you need more help with friendships, book a 1:! with me by heading to the book a session tab above or head to the forum and type out a scenario you’re facing and we’ll chime in!
xo,
Dr. C