How to not get defensive in conversations: Your 3-step formula to unlearn this.
-Direct & Neutral: “It sounds like you feel really strongly about that”
-Call It Out (Without Drama): “I prefer to focus on what works for me”
-Flip the Focus: “What makes you say that?”
For a more in-depth explanation on the art of being assertive & not defensive, keep reading.
You know that moment when someone says something rude, passive-aggressive, or just flat-out insulting and before you know it, you’re either snapping back or shutting down? That’s what happens when we react instead of respond.
If you’ve ever thought, “I wish I knew how to speak up without getting defensive or feeling regret later,” this is for you. This 3-step formula will help you learn how to respond without getting defensive and still make it clear you’re someone not to mess with and instead respect.
The Art of Being Assertive (Not Defensive)
Assertiveness isn’t about being the bigger person or arguing, or staying silent, it’s about responding with control, not reacting out of emotion.
Most people get this wrong for 3 reasons because they:
1. Feel the need to explain themselves (which actually invites more criticism).
Why? It comes from a need for approval or a fear of being misunderstood.
The problem? It makes it seems like we’re seeking permission to exist the way we do. It also gives the other person more power, as if their opinion needs to be “won over."
2.React with sarcasm (which makes them look just as petty).
Why? Sarcasm is often a disguised form of defensiveness and it comes from feeling hurt but wanting to appear unaffected, a learned habit from environments where vulnerability = weakness, or an attempt to mask insecurity with humor.
The problem? Sarcasm can escalate tension instead of diffusing it. It also signals that the comment got to you, which is often exactly what the other person wanted.
3.Overthink their response (and say nothing at all).
Why? Analysis paralysis: where our brain fixates on crafting the perfect response instead of just saying something in the moment comes from a fear of judgement (e.g., “what if I mess up?”), a history of being criticized or dismissed in conversations, or social anxiety or perfectionism (e.g., “I need to get his exactly right”).
The problem? The longer you overthink, the more anxious and passive you appear. And by the time you do respond, the moment has passed.
To fix this for good you want to learn how to Pause, Identify, and how to Respond Assertively instead of reacting emotionally.
Here’s the simple 3-step formula:
Step 1: Pause Before You React
Your first instinct might be to defend yourself, explain, or snapping back but you’re going to want to hold that thought and instead you need to interrupt your instinctive reaction.
Here’s the trick to do it:
-Take a deep breath
-Make eye contact
-Give yourself 3 seconds before responding.
Why? Our brain processes emotional triggers faster than logical reasoning and that tiny pause helps you shift from an emotional reaction to an intentional response. That tiny pause signals self-control and confidence (which instantly changes the power dynamic).
-Internally remind yourself: “I don’t need to react immediately.”
Step 2: Identify What’s Happening (Detach & See The Game Being Played)
Instead of absorbing the insult or feeling the need to prove yourself, name the tactic they’re using in the conversation. This helps you create emotional distance so you don’t personalize the comment, it helps you see if the person is being passive-aggressive, judgmental, manipulative, or just thoughtless, and you’re able to shift from feeling attacked to analyzing behavior, which puts you in control.
-Is it passive-aggressive?
-Is it judgmental?
-Is it a subtle dig?
-Is it meant to guilt trip me?
When you label it, you detach from it. Their words are about them, not you.
One thing you can also tell yourself in the moment for an internal reframe is INSTEAD of “They’re attacking me,” shift to “Oh they’re testing my reaction.” This helps remove the emotional sting and makes it easier for you to stay calm.
Step 3: Respond Without Justifying or Over-Explaining
Now that you’re not reacting emotionally, you can choose an assertive (not defensive) response. Remember, defensiveness comes from feeling like you need to convince someone of your worth. You don’t. Try these instead:
-Direct & Neutral: “It sounds like you feel really strongly about that”
-Call It Out (Without Drama): “I prefer to focus on what works for me”
-Flip the Focus: “What makes you say that?”
Example in Action:
Imagine someone says: “Wow, must be nice to have so much free time.”
Your old response? Feeling annoyed or explaining why you’re actually busy.
Your new response? A calm, controlled reply like, “You seem to really feel strongly about that.” Now they’re the ones scrambling to explain.
These work because they keep you in control of the conversation instead of getting dragged into an argument, subtly calls out the behavior without escalating conflict, and protects your boundaries without over-explaining or proving yourself. These neutral, direct, and curious responses put the weight back on them without making you look flustered or reactive & the more your practice over time, your brain will rewire itself to default to confidence, not defensiveness.
And if you’re looking for personal guidance on how to gain more awareness on how to not respond immediately, understand why certain people are the way they are and how to tell the difference between subtle digs, judgmental comments, or passive aggressive ones you can book a deep-dive session with me OR head to the Assertive You private community forum where you can get and give advice anonymously (I respond to every comment) and other members may also chime in too.
This week, try just ONE of these responses in a real conversation. Then come tell us how it went inside the Assertive You community forum. I’ll be checking in on your wins!
xo,
Dr. C