Tactics mean girl moms use to make you feel left out

There’s nothing more isolating than being the target of a mean mom group. If you’ve ever left a school event, class group text, or birthday party feeling small, excluded, or unsure of what just happened, you’re not imagining it. Mean girl behavior in motherhood is subtle but the impact is deep. It’s the tone, the timing, and the exclusion disguised as coincidence. 

Mean girl moms are real and they don’t often raise their voices, they raise their eyebrows (If their botox allows them). They do their damage through subtle comments, exclusion, and silent power plays that leave you questioning your worth as parent and a person. 

This behavior is called relational aggression and it can erode self-esteem, increase anxiety, and even worse trickle down into how we show up for our children. 

So what do you do when moving schools or classes isn’t an option. Let’s talk about the signs, the strategies, and the exact phrases you can use to protect your energy, your child’s experience and refuse to shrink to fit in. 

Here are common tactics they use to make others feel excluded and how to handle them: 

1. They use invitations as power

You’re invited to the big birthday party with 40 kids but not the backyard hangout with 4. You’re left wandering: am I in or just barely tolerated? 

What to do: 

Remind yourself: selective inclusion is still exclusion. 

Don’t over-personalize what’s likely a power play. 

Strategy:

Politely attend only what aligns with your energy. 

Build closer connections outside that dynamic. 

Phrase to ground yourself (tell yourself this, not them): 

"If I have to guess where I stand, it’s not a safe place to stand.” 

**But if your goal is to build relationships with these women when you feel left out but still want in, you can try:

Start by initiating a one-on-one playdates. It’s low pressure, psychologically safer, and reduce group hierarchy pressure, and allows for real connection without the noise.  

Choose 1-2 moms who feel more neutral or open. Not the ringleader if there’s one. 

Use casual and friendly invites like:

"Hey, I’d love for the kids to play one afternoon. Are you open to a playdate this or next week?” 

If you want to try building a relationship without the kids around you can try saying:

“I know we mostly see each other in group settings but I’d love to grab lunch (go for a walk/another plan) one day just us. Are you free this or next week?” 

Tip: Don’t over-apologize, over-explain, or over-anticipate rejection. Keep the energy calm and warm, not needy or overly careful. 

Connection grows through repeated, positive interactions. If this date goes well, follow up later with another small idea. 

Next would be extending a group invite. You’re flipping the dynamic and creating space instead of waiting to be included. This allows you to see who’s open to real friendship, not just performing to get accepted. 

Avoid group incites in a group chat where exclusion, power plays, or social anxiety are already at play. 

Instead a private invite gives them space to say yes without performance. 

Try: 

“I’m thinking of having a a small playdate next Saturday with a few moms and kids. Would love if you came. Let me know if you’re free at (x time) and it works for you.” 

2. They ignore your messages in the group chat but respond to everyone else. 

You send a question or comment. No one replies. Moments later, another mom says something and instant emoji parade and response. 

What to do:

This is classic social silencing. It’s not about you, it’s about their group identity. 

Strategy:

Don’t follow up or chase the responses. 

Say what you need once, then disengage. 

Tip: 

Use the “one and done” rule in group chats. Say it once with confidence and release the need for reaction. 

Phrase to ground yourself:

“I don’t need group validation to have a valid response.” 

3. At events, they form a tight circle. 

No space, no eye contact, no pause when you walk up. It’s not loud but it’s loud enough. 

What to do: 

This is nonverbal exclusion and it’s designed to be just subtle enough that you question your own perception. 

Strategy: 

Approach with your head held high, even if just to say hello and move on. 

Stand with other parents or start your own side conversation. 

Phrase to use if you want to join the conversation: 

"Hi ladies, just popping over to say hi.” 

Pause. If no one includes you, pivot confidently. 

Phrase to tell yourself to keep yourself grounded (do not use this with them, this is only for you):

My presence is not a request, it’s a right. 

4. When they do talk to you, it’s only to remind you that you weren’t included. 

This is relational aggression in disguise using “harmless conversation” to remind you you’re on the outside. 

Strategy:

Stay neutral. Don’t reward the behavior with visible discomfort. Recognize it as social currency play. 

Phrase to use if they talk about other plans in front of you & you want to disrupt the dynamic:

You don’t have to smile through discomfort or fake interest. That’s a fawn response, and it signals you’re seeking approval. Instead say something neutral: 

“Oh I didn’t hear about that, must have been smaller.” 

This makes them aware of what they’re doing. They’ll often backpedal or get awkward and that’s okay. 

Tip:

When you act unbothered, you cut off the fuel they’re looking for: your insecurity. 

Mean girl moms don’t change when they grow up, they just hide it better. These are the ways they target you and how to stay in your power without stooping to their level. They don’t leave you out because there’s something wrong with you. They do it to feel like they have power.

If you need more help with mean girl moms and navigating these relationships you can book a 1:1 with me by heading to the “book a session” tab above or heading to the private, community forum and asking for tailored help, & I and others will chime with what to do and support. You’re not alone! 

Xo,

Dr. C